They Say...

...that if you love someone, you can't stay mad at them.  Well, I apologized, and now I'm waiting for him.  I may be waiting a very long time.

Last night I told my brother about all of my recent frustrations and near breakdown.  He thinks that pushing Chris away was for the best, and agrees that there's too much going on in both of our lives.  This isn't good timing, in fact, it may never be.  His first concern though, was the same as mine.  Is it real love or just the redirection of existing feelings during a state of grief?  I didn't have any answers, just more questions.  Time seems like the only thing that will help to make sense of any of it.

If we don't talk between now and the memorial service, I would love it if one of two things happened.  I would be in heaven if he held my hand and apologized, before expressing something of a romantic nature.  The close runner-up would be going out for New York style pizza and laughing together as old friends.  Ideally, any combination of the above.  But, it'll be a time for friends, family, and reflecting on William’s life, none of which lends itself to having any time together, just the two of us.

Maybe by then my heart will dull and I'll fall out of love with him.  Perhaps in the interim I will come to the conclusion that it was never real love to begin with.  Who's to say?  Again, only time will tell.

*sigh*